Talking to Children About Pet Loss by Jenna Luzier, MSW

You know your children best, so deciding how to speak to them about the loss of your pet is a personal choice. Experts recommend using simple and concrete terms to communicate, especially since this may be their first experience with death. Children need honest, direct, and factual information to understand that the animal has died or is anticipated to die. Abstract terms like “passed away” or “put to sleep” may unintentionally cause children distress and can prolong the grief they feel. Consider your child’s developmental age when communicating with them. Young children may need pictures or play to put their emotions in words and process the significance of death. Provide comfort and routine for children, to stabilize and include them in the memorial process for honoring the pet. By including children in the family crisis, you can guide your children toward healthy ways of coping with the loss, and provide opportunities for them to say goodbye.

 

Caring for the Grieving Child
  • Encourage outdoor play and facilitate interactions with friends
  • Ask children what they think about your animal’s death and what they worry about. Listen patiently. Gently correct misinformation and hold space for the uncomfortable and big emotions.
  • Avoid shielding children from loss so they may build resilience and coping skills. While it’s natural to want to try to protect them, there may be unintended and sustaining consequences for children by excluding them. Allow children to choose their own role in the memorialization and activities to honor their unique bond.
  • Normalize common grief emotions by talking openly about your own experience with the loss. Put words to emotions and describe what it feels like in your own body and mind.
  • Give space and permission for every child in your family to feel whatever they feel, at whatever intensity, and for however long it lasts. You may notice different reactions and coping among your family members – all are valid and likely reflect the unique meaning and role of the animal for that individual.
  • Counseling from a therapist specializing in pediatric bereavement and grief
  • Speaking with their pediatrician and school about potential resources
  • Maintain routines for stability (bedtimes, school, meals, medications)
  • Facilitate interactions with their friends
  • Implement an affirmation: for example, “you are not alone in this.”

 

Understanding the Grieving Child

Infants and Toddlers

  • Do not understand death but do sense family’s experience so ensure to care for yourself.
  • Maintain routines, avoid separation, and provide extra physical connection for comfort and security.
  • Reassure them that they will always be cared for.

 

Youngest Children (2–5 years old)

  • Plan to talk for a very short time. Children this age can focus only for brief periods.
  • Be clear and simple. Draw a picture or use play to show. Check on their understanding of what's happening.
  • Try to maintain routines and tell them about any changes expected.
  • Reassure them that they will always be cared for.

 

Young Children (6–9 years old)

  • Plan to talk for a short time. Plan more than one talk to cover what you need to say.
  • Remember young children may have strong feelings.
  • They may express by focusing on something else during your talk to help process at their own pace.
  • Use relevant examples, such as a tree dying, a butterfly losing its wings, or Disney movies with death.
  • Let them know they will be taken care of and assure their own safety.
  • Answer all their questions. Invite them to talk more later.

 

Pre-Teens (10–12 years old)

  • Plan for a slightly longer talk. Let your children set the pace of the talk.
  • Be aware that your children may ignore or avoid topics when afraid. Allow space for discomfort.
  • Use simple, concrete information.
  • Tell your children you will do your best to answer their questions and be honest with unknowns. Let them know you’re there to talk whenever.

 

Teens (13-18 years old)

  • You may be able to have a longer talk. Let your teens set the pace.
  • Be prepared if your teens try to ignore or avoid topics. Teens may act this way because they’re afraid or scared. Allow yourself to hold space for the uncomfortable.
  • Teens often need time to themselves to process. They may want to be alone or with friends.
  • Teens should be told the facts and disclose unknowns. Give teens booklets or websites to read later.
  • Answer their questions as best you can and let them know you’ll be glad to talk again later.
  • Teens may want to know how the death will affect them. Will it change their household responsibilities? This is normal.

 

Please see a list of books and resoureces under the Pet Loss Resources Tab